A Texas Tall Tale

retold by

S.E. Schlosser

Bigfoot Wallace was as crazy an individual as they come. He could spin a yarn better than anyone, and while he was a dangerous foe to his enemies, he was also a jovial giant, who was always on the lookout for a good laugh. What with hunting and fishing and fighting Comanches and avoiding rattlesnakes, Wallace had the time of his life in Texas. Said he wouldn’t swap Texas for the whole shooting match that was the rest of the United States.

I heard tell of one time when the Comanches raided Wallace’s cabin back LaGrange way and took all of his horses in the night ‘cept one gray mare that was stake on the other side of the house. He was so plumb mad he jumped right on the horse and gave chase. Found them Comanches eatin’ his horses torturing and eating his horses over the next hill, which made him madder than a hornet. He stopped the gray mare in a hickory grove, tied off the cuffs of his pants and shirt, and filled his clothes with so many hickory nuts he was rounder than Santy Claus and better armored than one of them old-time knights. Then he crawled through the grass until he about a hundred from the Indian camp.

Taking aim, Bigfoot shot one of the forty-two Comanches in the camp, and then stood to his full height, his massive figure much enhanced by all them hickory nuts in his clothes. Took the Comanches more than a minute to recover from the sight of him afore they attacked, shooting him over and over with their arrows. ‘Course, none of them arrows could reach Wallace through all the hickory nuts, and the Comanches ran out of ammunition mighty quick. When they saw Bigfoot still standing, they let out a whoop of terror and ran for the hills! The arrows were three inches thick on the ground when Bigfoot untied his clothes and let the rest roll out. And wouldn’t ya know there wasn’t one hickory nut that hadn’t been split open! Being an enterprising fellow, Wallace came back later with his wagon, gathered up them nuts, and took them home to feed to his pigs.

You can read more Texas folklore and ghost stories in Spooky Texas by S.E. Schlosser.